To experience the entire spectrum of human emotions in a single day, one need only be familiar with a single word – pets. By the way…did you know that by simply switching the position of the “s” and the “t” the word “pets” transforms into “pest”? The use of these letters is not mere coincidence, my friend – it’s downright providential.
Let’s start with a quick primer on the fundamental principles of what in "scholarly circles" - perhaps more aptly described as one man with too much time on his hands - has come to be known as “quantum emotional spectral analytics” – QUESA for short. Don’t let the technical lingo scare you - just try to remember how you felt the last time someone cut you off in traffic...on a hot day...with your A/C broken..on your way home from work...late for dinner...with your wife...it's her birthday.
The theory holds that there are 5 - and only 5 - stages of emotional experience. They are: minor annoyance, mounting frustration, boiling anger, burning rage and
Dr. Bruce Banner. Together they form a vibrant spectrum of emotions; not unlike a colorful rainbow after a soft, gentle summer shower - except only in ever-maddening shades of red.
Each, any, or all of these “stages” can be experienced first-hand just by owning a pet. If you’re an adrenaline junkie, or you're looking to significantly increase your chances of stroking out, you can easily intensify your experience by adding more pets to the mix.
Feel free to mentally insert your own pet experience as you follow along...in ascending order by heart palpitations per minute:
Minor annoyance.
You just woke up from a not-so-fitful nights sleep. You stumble blindly toward the stairs, fumbling helplessly for anything resembling a light switch. You don’t find it. You foolishly decide to traverse said stairs without the aid of said light. Your journey ends abruptly, not to mention painfully, in a heap at the bottom of the stairs after tripping over that cuddly little fluff-ball you once referred to as “such a sweet little kitty”, but now for the life of you can’t remember why. Maybe it's the bump on your head.
Mounting frustration.
Two ice packs, three medicated adhesive strips and one Ace bandage later, you arrive - in less than jocular spirits – at the coffee pot. Little to your surprise, the fluff-ball has already arrived, but seems to have no intention of starting the coffee. Instead, he is either a) jubilantly extolling the virtues of your swan-like gracefulness in descending the staircase, or b) piercing the blessed morning silence with a shriek so painfully vile, that the dog wants to check
himself into the SPCA - just for a moments respite. Your choice of “a” or “b” depends largely on your perspective – or whether the coffee is ready.
Boiling anger.
Aforementioned dog, thinking his SPCA decision a bit rash, decides instead to yelp at the back door. Actually, it’s not so much a yelp as it is a high-pitched, brain-curdling, ear-splitting, death-please-come-quickly inducing wail. No matter, you scramble to let him out, lest you begin to do the same.
Burning rage.
The dog, not content to confine chaos to the warmth and intimacy of the kitchen, has begun to bark feverishly at the donkey and the horse, both formerly satisfied not-so-patiently pacing back and forth in their pasture, anticipating their morning hay. Not to be outdone by such a vapid chump as the dog, the donkey decides to join the vocal fray. What begins as sporadic, raspy, heavy breathing, slowly gathers steam as it mutates into a saliva-splattering, ground-quaking, county-waking, I’d-rather-you-blast-a-band-of-bugles-directly-into-my-eardrum bray.
Did I mention you haven’t had your coffee yet?
Dr. Bruce Banner.
Flash-forward to midday. You work from home. After all, there is much less stress at home than in the office. You spent the last 3 hours on the phone. The pesky issue you thought you’d have resolved days ago has mushroomed into a crisis of catastrophic proportion – at least that’s the feeling in the marketing department. The un-named cold beverage of which you partook at precisely 12:01pm has only slightly numbed the pain of the morning’s din, and is directly responsible for you standing where you are standing, as you casually cop a glance out the bathroom window.
The donkey has escaped.
